Tis' the Season for My Love and Dislikes

I have a love/dislike relationship with the holiday season. 

Being an only child and a self proclaimed black sheep I have rarely ever had the big holiday gatherings that I have dreamt of. I rarely get invited to gatherings and when I do, I rarely want to go. I usually avoid gatherings as to avoid my own personal "awkward black girl" thing. To me, the actual holiday itself is usually disappointing, mostly because after eating the meal or opening the gifts the rest of the day is boring. Most people I've been around during the holidays tend to retreat to their designated corners to tinker with their gifts, take a nap or watch T.V. Honestly, I don't know what I expect.  

The stress that comes along with the holidays from having to uphold your end of the "bargain" by giving gifts or being appreciative when receiving a gift gives me a headache. I don't want gifts for the holidays. I want something more. I'm still uncertain as to what. I do know that it is filled with warmth, sparkle, warm fuzzies and holding hands. I'm a dreamer. I dislike feeling as if I need to get something for people on a certain day. I feel like this mostly because life is already stressful enough without having to remember to buy a gift and to get the gift right. Have you ever stood in the middle of a mall trying to figure out what to buy for a person with no clue of where to start? I'm sure I may be a bit biased in my stress because shopping is just not my thing. I'd rather take a cold shower on the coldest day of the year with my heater broken. Speaking of gifts, sometimes they are just not in my budget. I'm more concerned with what's on my budget like, making sure my kid can take dance lessons or saving enough money so I can update things in my house or finally giving my family that awesome vacation that we deserve. Can't we have a holiday day where we give love instead of stuff that cost money? Is it possible for this to exist and people REALLY just be appreciative of the moment instead of how many items they receive or what someone else brought to the table?  Give me gifts on my birthday. Those are fun.

We have been so conditioned to expect things due to the commercialization of holidays. I love the holiday decoration, the traditions, my own beliefs for the season and the spirituality that comes with the holiday time. I love the goodwill towards men. I love the holiday spirit. While the actions of others to give toys, food and other items to collection organizations give me the warm fuzzies, the stress that is put on parents to find these places, qualify to get the items and in some cases, swallow their pride to wait in line to get the items makes my heart hurt. Why does this even have to be a thing? I mean...I get it...but geesh......I dislike the commercialization.

After all of this, yes, I dislike when the holidays are over. It's so sad to me that all of the decor comes down. I get a little misty eyed knowing that I can't just turn on the radio to hear Christmas music. I often wonder why the kind gestures from people that come from being in the holiday spirit goes away. Can you imagine what an awesome world we could have if we stayed in the "holiday spirit" all year. I do like that we can get back to our regular schedules and that my businesses slow season comes to an end. Happy Thanksgiving Eve. Appreciate your family and take it easy on yourself. Don't let others expectations, determine your expectations.

Mommin' Ain't Easy

Ok let's face it, we moms are our own worst critic. We spend our days taking care of little humans, trying to make sure we are the best parents possible and still at the end of the day some of us feel like we didn't do enough. Our not enough is not doing enough for our kids, not doing enough for everyone else and most of all not doing enough to take care of ourselves. Truth be told, we most likely meet the needs of everyone and every obligation except for those of ourselves. How many times have you bathed your child, brushed their teeth and made sure they went to sleep peacefully yet, you crash on the couch without a bath or clean breath? 

The past few weeks I've been feeling uneasy. So many things regarding motherhood in general, my community and my own parenting journey have had me on edge. I want to find answers, I want to be my best, I want to help as many moms as I can achieve peace. 

I've wondered to myself some of the following things:

1.) How do I create my tribe? 

I have friends. I do not have a best friend. I have friends but I don't have that group of friends that I call my tribe. I think one of the reason I'm in a constant state of oneness is because I'm an only child (disclaimer: I'm my mothers only child, I have siblings via my father however, I was raised as an only by my mother). Finding friends has always been easy. Creating temporary best friends hasn't been a problem....keeping a real long term female best friend has never happen for me. (Disclaimer: my first best friend passed away when I was 14. She's been irreplaceable) 

2.) How do I not feel guilty when telling people that I can't or that don't want to do something? 

I've mastered the art of saying no. In most cases,  I'm often a giver of no fucks.  Then there are those times when the guilt of saying no consumes me. This happens especially when those people I say no to are those that usually say yes to me. I feel selfish....but man, I'm usually saying no because I'm just so tired. 

3.) How do I help my child free friends/colleagues understand and not take personal me not wanting to participate in extracurricular activities...especially ones that take place after I've worked and mommed all day. 

I just want to go home, put my child to sleep after dinner and disconnect. 

4.) How do I protect Amaya from the crazy world? 

Yikes! I walk a thin line between being a mama bear and the mother of a free spirited child. I want Amaya to experience the real word but at the same time I want to protect her from the unfairness of the word too. I don't want her to experience heartbreak yet I want her to be tuff enough to deal if it should come her way. 

5.) Am I living up to my greatest potential? 

There are so many things that I want to achieve in my lifetime. There are so many people that I want to help. How do I achieve these things while also being fully present for my family? 

6.) Organization. 

How do I keep life organized when living life? One of my favorite sayings is: homes are not messy, they are lived in. How do we achieve complete organization while raising children? Will that mother come help me? Please? 

I believe that everything happens as it should. I guess that is what helps me during the times I feel so overwhelmed. I believe that God never puts more on us than we can bear. I just wish my inner self  would acknowledge this!

What inner dialogue do you have with yourself about mothering? 

April Fools Pregnancy Joke

I have mixed feelings about this. 

For 8 years on and off we struggled with not being able to get pregnant until finally this year we decided to let the dream go and that adoption would be in our future. 

Over the years to make light of my own situation I HAVE posted April fools pregnancy funnies. I'm not sure what has made me sadder...a friend posting that they are pregnant for real....or the relief I've felt around April fools day when someone says their post was a joke. Don't get me wrong. I find joy in others happiness but when you have a goal in mind and you keep failing while others seem to be winning it can be discouraging. 

I just don't know. I guess if you've been on both sides of the spectrum you could either feel like people are insensitive or like people are to sensitive.  I try my hardest not to judge other people as I could never walk in someone else's shoes. I don't want to. From my perspective, in the past I've posted because it helped me to make light of my own situation and helped me to laugh at myself. In my case I believe God knows what's best for me and what is meant to be will be. This year, I will not post an April fools pregnancy funny. Out of respect for the women who like me have struggled with infertility and who don't find it funny that happen to come across my post I'll remain pregnancy post free on April fools day.  Empathy and compassion are the first steps in being my sisters keeper.   I'm sure I can come up with something else that is sure to be way more epic and unforgettable. After all....I'm a huge jokester! 

What are your feelings on this topic?